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Rank: Newbie
Groups: Registered
Joined: 2/14/2010
Posts: 7
Location: Westwickhan
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Hi its been a really long time since a came to this site. I was in the middle of the adoption proccess, about 3 months to go then I found out way or the other that my husband had not only lost interest in adoption but also me!!!! I am in the beginings of getting legal aid to help me push through a divorce as I only work 18 hours a week as RA makes it impossible to work more. I am exstreamly worried about how I will manage to support myself as after a visit to CAB it apears I am in a catch 22, I earn £500 per month after tax......... too much to get any help!. I found the CAB unhelpful. Can anyone offer any advice? I am really cut up about what has and still is happening with my husband and I, we had been together for a total of 16 years and he has just gone! He has someone else I am still getting my head around it. No children just two dogs and me. I am 34 and know in time I will get a new life but copping with RA makes it all so much harder. I feel my only real choice is to work more.... but I vividly remember how shattered I was, it got so I could not cope. I want to be able to manage my life financially with out making my illness worse. 
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,740
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 welcome back rebecca such alot going on for u,do call nras there is a member who knows all legal stuff for some input ,50 is nothin when u habe all bills to pay grr honestly. sending u a big hug. lv melly cuddly cats make my world seem so much more fun
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 561
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Hi Rebecca im Sophie 35 and i totally understand where your coming from ! the same thing happened to me my partner of 15 years left 2 years and 3 months ago totally out of the blue and he also had met some one else, i have a son who is 5 in April and i was sooooooooo up set for him more than me to be honest , i just want you to know that you will feel very sad , down , depressed about every thing but give it six months and im sure you will be feeling better about it all, i say to every one who is in this position time is a great healer and you will get through it , could you try and adopt yourself ? i dont really know any thing on adoption but others on this forum might , talk to your family and friends they will help you get through it.
Sophie x
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009
Posts: 1,035
Location: in a house
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Jenni on here has 2 apopeted children i bet she could help you could still do it .And it might be the making off you . don,t give up Christine The chocolate eating housewife ...The washer woman .....naughty lady
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 714
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Rebecca
I am so sorry to hear what has been happening in your life - it is so unfair. Perhaps a phone call to the NRAS may put you in touch with someone who can advise you about your financial situation.
DO NOT think that you are now worthless. You are entitled to a wonderful life and when you get your head around things you will be able to move on and think about what you want out of life.
Lots of love and big hugs
Jackie
xx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 3,006 Location: Timperley
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Dear Rebecca
I really empathise with you and feel for you having been through a painful divorce myself many years ago. I didn't have RA at the time, so this must make it doubly hard for you.
On the work front, may I suggest that you contact the NRAS helpline and ask them to put you in touch with Bob Campbell, also a forum member, who spent his working life as a Disability Law and Employment Specialist. Bob will be able to give you advice on your work situation and where to go from here.
You my also be entitled to DLA which is NOT income related. NRAS have a brilliant booklet about applying for any benefits you may be entitled to.
I am SURE Jenni, who has two adopted children (both of whom she adopted before she married) will be able to offer you some support.
In the meantime, please come on the forum, join in the chat etc. You'll find support, encouragement and friendship on here.
Take care
Love Jeanxxxx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,110 Location: London
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Hi Rebecca, so sorry you have to go through all this. Cant add much as its all been said, please dont feel that any of this is your fault. See your gp too, regarding depression, its understandable. As for the rest, do things at your own pace. Get all the help and support you can from here and from your family and friends, take care, thinking of you x BARBARA
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 327
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Hi Rebecca
I can't really add anything either, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything you're going through. Hope things improve for you soon and that you get the help you need.
Anthea
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 3,157 Location: Huddersfield
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Hi Rebecca,
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation, it must be devastating for you.
People who have been through similar things have said time heals, and in the meantime keep posting on here to get all the support you need.
You don't have to go through it alone.
Love, Doreen xx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,582 Location: Oxfordshire
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Dear Rebecca,
I am so sorry that this devastating thing has happened to you.
Please know that we are all here for you..
Much love,
Amanda
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Rank: Newbie
Groups: Registered
Joined: 2/14/2010
Posts: 7
Location: Westwickhan
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Thank you all for your encouragement. I will give a call to NRAS and see about speaking to the people mentioned. Its just so hard,financially, emotionally, physically.
I will not be adopting on my own though as I found dealing with the social worker awlful!!!!! but thats another story.
Am of now to mum and dads for sunday roast and a glass or two of red wine xxx
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/7/2009
Posts: 235
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Hi Rebecca, sorry you have had to go through this. I hope NRAS can help you with your situation. The forum is very supportive so do keep in touch!!
Deb x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 872
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Hi Rebecca
As others have said we are here for you, glad to see you have had some very good advice,
please keep posting, looking forward to getting to know you, Take care
Love and hugs ~ Liz xx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/14/2009 Posts: 61 Location: Lancashire
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Hi Rebecca, First, not all men are B******, In our area we have whats called "Welfare Rights" they are excellent and will help all they can. My eldest daughter has just gone through this and a good friend of mine,s daughter is as well. The bit I have picked up is you do not have to go for a divorce, If he wants one let him pay for it, otherwise sit for 2 years and then I believe there is hardly any fuss and it does'nt cost as much. If it is what you want you can do it over the internet for a few hundred pounds. They send the forms, you fill them in ,send them back, they check them take them to court and write and tell you when it,s done.
Hope I've been a little help John.
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,081
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Can't add anything to what others have already said but just to say sorry that you are going through this with the dreaded RA as well. I think John's ideas of not rushing into a costly divorce is a good one. Give yourself time to think. Take care.
Julie
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 1/5/2010 Posts: 89 Location: Mereworth, Kent
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Hi Rebecca,
Just to let you know I am thinking of you. What a dark time for you - i'm glad you have a Mum and Dad nearby to support you. Keep on talking to us.
Lots of love
Alison xx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/4/2009 Posts: 856
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Thinking of you Rebecca
Much love
Maria x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 2,237 Location: nr Southampton
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Hello Rebecca
I am writing as a mum who was placed with 2 children for adoption and suddenly was a single mum. Wont go into too much detail on here but I did manage. In fact, after 6 mths of counseling I kinda liked being a single mum. my VA paid for the counseling actually. I lived with my parents for a while and then got my own little place and I loved it. It was mine and no-one else had it!
a few things come to mind.
Im not sure what job you do but if you are in a union they may help you with advice.
Adoption uk will also help and advise you they are open helpline is 0844 848 7900 (10-4) or pop a message on the message boards.
I would gently suggest that you pop to your local job centre plus and look at their benefits calculator with them- it might be that for a while you need time to heal in many ways and that you would be better off on benefits for a while. there is no shame in this. they are a safety net for when SH*T happens. maybe 16 hrs is better as you would get the full whack of benefit then.
they have access to hardship funds if you need help right now. In my case I did do bits of supply teaching for the local school, got offered part time and went from there. it came. God was good to me and the bills got paid- we found a way.
my GP put me onto them. Poor woman was made a single mum after 20+yrs of marriage and they had teenage kids so really took people like me under her wing.
I know you will be there thinking- this will NEVER end. Well, 8 yrs on remarried with a BC as well as 2 AC I can tell you it does. You wont be forever dealing with this awfullness. It might be terrible right now- and it is just terrible- but you will survive and your children will also survive. You know not all men are like this but it is just fine to keep all of them at arms length for a while- you have been betrayed and so very hurt, after all if you were bitten by a dog you'd steer clear for a while and there is nothing wrong in that AT ALL. Take your time.
you might consider getting the book "when he leaves"
I think we possibly need to chat 1:1 so here is my email address: jennifer.beavis-lacey@sky.com
Much MUCH love-
Jenni x
PS Remember you might not be able to think of the whole thing, just take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time- one foot at a time.how to be a velvet bulldoser
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/7/2009 Posts: 262
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Thinking of you Rebecca.
Diane x
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/5/2009
Posts: 119
Location: warrington
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thinking of you Rebecca.
sue v xx
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